Patchy's Blog 4: This is not Gensokyo
by Onion Riffs
Summary: Greetings, from the Onion crew. Your prayers have been answered: another Patchy's Blog awaits you.


_**Current Mood:**__Confused_

_**Currently Reading:**__The World Book of Names_

_It is time yet again for another entry into this blog. I do not think there is any way I can adequately prepare myself for what I am about to read, so I suppose I should just get to it._

**Ok, First story. Im not the best at this, but im not the worst.**

_Well, this is a brilliant sign._

The Tale of a Merchant Youkai

_I somehow feel that this has nothing to do with the story ahead._

"Reap what you sow. War breeds war, death brings only death."

_A faux famous literature quote. How utterly pretentious._

Ch.1: The hunt

My name is Scraps… I am not certain what I am…

_A Marty Stu?_

From all the research in the world I can conclude only this: The land of the mortals is not my home. Over the 645 years I've been alive I have been called many names. Merchant, Demon, Assassin, God's Mistake,

_More accurately, 'Writer's Mistake'._

Youkai, Reaper, the Plague, Soul Stealer, so far the one that's stuck is Youkai. My name is Scraps;

_Which is not, in fact, a name._

I am a merchant/reaper youkai.

_An __**incredibly**__ logical combination._

I am tired of everyone I know dieing. I want to find home. For the last century I have trudged through Japan and caught wind of a place were yokai live; a lost island known as Gensokyo.

_Which is not, in fact, an island._

Waters Near Gensokyo

Scraps' POV

The boat smells, my stomach hurts, and if that old man wasn't so important to me right now I would devour his soul. "Hey old man, " I exclaimed, "When the hell do we get there?"

_Did you not complain about everyone around you dying before? Wait, that was 'dieing'. Perhaps that is different?_

He angrily replied, " STFU you young punk. I already told you that I'd let you know!"

_Is this what substitutes for dialogue in this story? __**Chatspeak**__?_

"Jeez calm down it's just a question." I thought with a scowl look.

_"Learn to write," I said with a frown gaze._

The 25in boat

_I can only assume this means that the boat is only twenty-five inches in length. That, readers, is a tiny boat._

swayed back and forth, back and forth. Suddenly the boat was shocked back a little.

_The boat was electrified._

"What the hell was that?" I yelled.

The reply came much calmer then last time. "We've done it. We've reached the barrier! YES! I've spent my entire fucking life on doing this and now I've finally done it! Get your ass up here boy!"

_The border does not work like that. I will assume you have hit a rock._

Without hesitation I sprinted up to the deck. Before me was a strong haze.

_Stronger than your average haze._

I tried touching the haze, but was quickly shocked back.

_I will reiterate: The border does not work that way._

"What'd ya do that for?" He yelled.

"Just wanted to test it." I replied gingerly.

_He wanted to test electricity. With his hand._

"Well it's no use. We won't be able to get through." He said mournfully.

_Well, the author got one thing about the border correct._

There was a low rumbling off in distance. The rumbling became louder and louder the more we argued.

_Argued meaning "stood in silence" for whatever reason._

Soon it was evident on what was happening. A huge freak wave was building up behind the boat.

"Old man, turn around." I said.

_Calmly, it was not like it was a massive wave capable of crushing us to death._

"What for? HOLY SH-"

He was cut off by the wave smashing the boat and us into the barrier. I felt as if one million megawatts were pulsing through me.

_In other words, he felt dead._

I passed out shortly after the old man did.

A wispy voice was speaking in the dark. It said, "Wake up. You need to wake up. This is not where your story ends, no, this is only the beginning. So wake up, and smell the ashes."

_I am not entirely sure what the G-man is doing in this story. Perhaps the author thinks he comes from Gensokyo as well?_

The voice trailed off at the end.

Some Random Beach in Gensokyo

_Which does not, in fact, have any beaches._

Scraps' POV

_Point of view shifts? __Just__ what this abomination of a story needed._

I could hear the sound of waves on a shore. The eternal darkness was fading.

_Not particularly eternal, then._

I slowly opened my eyes to see a beach with the remains of the ship strewn across it. The area I was in seemed to be pooling in blood. I tried to get up. There was a huge wooden plank pinning me to the floor. I shoved the plank off of me. I called out for the old man and looked around. Moments later I found him lying face down in the sand with a scythe in his back. There was a note one the blade.

_One the blade._

It read: I am a god. I challenge you do a duel. -Shreds.

_And there is yet another name given by parents who hate their children._

"What a bizarre name." I thought.

_Says the person named "Scraps"._

I tore the scythe out of the old man. *shink*

Then went to go clean it off in the ocean. As I was walking I couldn't help but notice some small animals drinking the blood off the ship. "Vampires." was the one thought that came to mind.

_Small animals are not, in fact, vampires. Believe me, Author. I know._

After thoroughly washing my new weapon with sea water I made my way back to the old man. There was a small blue sphere floating out of the hole the scythe made. My stomach was growling so it must be lunch time.

_"I prepared some soul sashimi."_

"Nom nom nom!" I said while enjoying the man's soul.

_This is in fact more ridiculous than my above suggestion. Remarkable._

There was nothing more I could do here so I decided to head off towards the sound of screams.

Some Random Ass Village

_Ah, yes, I am sure we are all familiar with the random "Ass" Village in Gensokyo._

Shreds' POV

"Muhahahah, nothing like the feasting of souls in the mourning!" I yelled as my katana was massacring every living being.

_This confirms that this is not actually Gensokyo. As if there was any doubt._

"One stab here, two stabs there, three stabs everywhere! Chahahahah!"

" Killing Spree, Running Riot, Killing Frenzy, Un-Fuckin Believable!" I said awarding myself each kill.

_**This**__ confirms that this is not actually a coherent story. As if there was any doubt._

Muhahahaha!

"Hmm?" I questioned as I sensed a power drawn near.

*thwap*

Before I could react a rock hit me in the eye.

"Who Dares!" I screamed.

_I believe being hit in the eye is a great deal more painful than that._

"I dare." said a new voice.

_"I dare to be idiotic."_

Same Random Ass Village

Scraps' POV

Oh shit, shit, shit, shit. Why did I do that?

_Why __**did**__ you do it if you didn't intend to fight him?_

Well it looks like its too late now.

"Now die demon!" I yelled as I sprinted towards the red haired foe. Our weapons clashed.

_And all reservations are instantly forgotten. That is how thoughts work, of course._ *clang*

"Who are you?" He asked.

"I'm the youkai whose gonna kill you!" I replied as I went for another slash.

_Well, do not just spoil the ending of this __masterpiece__._

It was clear that our powers were evenly matched. I eventually got him crouching to defend himself as I began my downwards assault with my scythe.

_If this is meant to be Gensokyo, which it clearly is not, would this not have all been danmaku, with no deaths whatsoever?_

"I - Will - Not - Lose - Mother - Fucker!" I said each word after a slash.

_More foul-mouthed than Kirisame-san._

Finally one hit went through.

*sploosh*

_It went through right into a body of water, it seems._

The Scythe made a sickly sound as the blade plunged into his cranium.

"Now I will eat your soul." I said in a calm tone.

_As you do._

But instead of devouring his soul something else happened. I did take his soul but it didn't digest.

His corpse went limp and fell to the ground. His red hair turned white when it touched the ground. There was a little voice in my head. It sounded like the man I just killed.

"Oh great now I get to share a body with a reaper. Fantastic."

_And in a final more, the story destroys all of its own rules. Brilliant writing, author._

Well fuck, I was just starting to hear myself think.

"Well listen; if you want to survive you need to find someplace to stay. Also I need a new body"

_Because giving a new body to the opponent you just killed is the __logical__ response._

So, where to?

To be continued…

_Oh joy._

So yeah. Working on Ch.2 when ever i can. Please review and tell me how what you think.

_A review: Terrible. This story is awful. Poorly written, poorly described, and clearly not taking place in Gensokyo. It is bad, to say the least. In any case, signing off._


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